this is eating into my sleeep, its 4:13am & i cant sleep, i still cant sleep.
after working out, watching shows hopefully to tire myself out. i still cant sleep.
i dunno whats happening to me, but i'm really scared. i'm so sick of myself being such an insecure, selfish bitch that i have no idea what to do. i dunno why i'm so terrified to step out and be myself. when the light shines at me, i hide away & pray that i can just fade off. i only hear negative comments about myself and dont believe in anything positive. i know i need to have more confidence in people but i cant seem to find it in myself. i'm really afraid esp when i dunno whats going to happen, how the world looks at me. i keep imagining stuff and i always expect the worst things to happen in me.

please dont leave me alone, i'm really frightened. please help me.


'pizza party' on thursday with val, jer & nic. it was so much fun, we actually met up to get the ingredients for our pizzas and potato salad. i introduced them to sth pretty yummy and best thing, EASY TO PREPARE! just boil the mini potatoes & dip into mayo and bacon bits. make a pretty good snacking side. plus you can compare who has the biggestttt mouth. hahahahaaaa. val's maid did the pizza base so all we did was add the toppings. the hardest thing to do was the slicing, dicing of the ham, mushrooms, bacons etc. tomatoes & peppers & pineapples werent allowed cos we are all "psychologically allergic" to them! hahaha!

our initial plan was to have the pizzas by the poolside, but guessed we were too hungry! we gobbled them up almost immediately. nic joined us after work & the fun part began. caught house bunny, extremely good show though i watched it before but yeah, it was tough to get a movie none of us watch, a very difficult task! we tried the self timer on my camera, which means 10 shots every 5secs, so can you imagine all that ugly unglam shots! we "ayam penyet" jerine & val. hahaha. & the colour accent, even my undies were spared. hahaha.






but overall, great day. gwen joined us after training. we had this whole cervical cancer talk, we were learning biology from a 16 year old. about placenta, umbilical cord, fallopian tube blah blah blah. now we know, males carry cervical cancer virus & they passed it to females. damned. talk about fair, unbiased world. ;/

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heehee haha hoho.
i know its like 0437! i ought to be in bed sleeping & drooling away ( just kidding!)
but yeah i'm still up, evryone's aslp.
i just sin-ed on a bowl of tomyum bowl noodles so i cant slp just yet, i have this fcking 3 hr rule that i cant slp immd after food. ): yeaaaaa. crazyyyy i knoww. grrr..
so i'm up alone like a kuku bird. hahahah !

i think im gonna go mad. LOL. i got a new camera, shall upload when i'm free and feel like it.went to val's place & we had a crazymad phototaking session. we had 'pizza party' ! (:
so lazyyy. plus attachment is starting in abt A WEEK TIME! i suck. havent even fcking enjoy & exercise & go tannnninggg ! pls date me for tanning sooon, i want nicer legs. like tann and slim, difficult i know but i want. .. omg, some alarm is ringing, who gets up at this time?! shitzzz. i havent even slp. grrr. alarms are just as irritating as crying shrieky screamy babies! ewww.
jade seah's bangs why look so nice? ;/

ok birdies, time to go to bed & get fat, i seriously need to slp soon.
oh by the way, race to witch mountain is pretty cool actually ( for a disney show ok!) certain parts v unrealistic & graphics wise might not be as good. but i say ordinary plot, good action.
okay i need to shut up. byebye.


dee seem to be having a great time there. missed her already! ): hope they are settling in well.
their work starts today! so will be hearing from her soon.
pictures of us at the airport before her flight to orlando. sighs. one less mate to talk to.
this holiday sucked. everyone's on attachment or working. & no time for meetups.
grrr. :(



call us soon babe! :D

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so went partying with a different group on sat cos my parents were away, the kids come out to play! hahaha. managed to get val along, cos wenn and gwen are still in hk ! ): i supposed it was quite fun, val and i drank alot alot. we both shared one jug of vodka redbull, each had a whiskey coke & bombay bramble (some promotional drink that we tried). i swear the worst is whiskey coke. biggest ewwww. phuture on sat is horrible, the music is so off. ladies night is much better. heee :D similarly, it was crowded at both zouk & phuture ( no surprise!) so val and i sneaked off to winebar, pretty awesome. chilled out & rest our feet while the guys shuffled away. haha.



after that, cabbed down to airport to send bimbo off. (will get the photos first!)it was like 4am. agnes came from dbl O, bf from cineleisure. all of us were half dead but we wont get to see her for the next 4 months! ): she keeps showing off her cheap cheap forever 21 shopping spreeee! haha. ok, you can shop shop shop BUT NO CLUBBING! come back then we go party! have fun and take care of yourself. remember to set your alarms there, no more morning calls. love you bimbo. (:

val, msn me for the other pictures or go get a facebook a/c!


guess val's cookie came in handy;




because wen is not around, and the bulk of the photos are with her. i'll have to wait for her to return on sunday! ;( this holiday been partying quite alot, but i wont get to do that after attachment starts alr. no social life for 5 months! meeting up with my friends will be tough also. i hate work i hate work. & many failed attempts to get a job. so i decided to give up finding one and starve myself or leech of people. heee ;D

life's been pretty much the same other than that. lots of catching up, sleepovers, heart-to-heart talks etc. dee's flying off on 15th! my parents are away on holiday so i'll be able to stay out. date me! ahhaha! when i have val's bd surprise photos, i'll post it up! so now, bear with lifeless updates without colours. so happy valerie enjoyed her birthday surprise. planned a big one
(pretty big!) for her. as long as she enjoyed herself, that matters the most. (:

my birthday treat for valerie mallory bahkita tan: desserts (;



its too late to explain stuff that dont matter to me already, its so long ago. everyone's moved on, so should you. i dont believe in second chances. and if you expect me to pity you, i'm sorry. thats stupid.


I NEED A JOB!
I NEED A JOB!
I NEED A JOB!
I NEED A JOB!
I NEED A JOB!
if you have jobs, please please please let me know.


hmmm. hols are so boring when so many ppl are having their ITP, it sucks. i cant even like meet them up. ;( very sooon, mine will start too, at the dreaded sunny holidays. fuuuuccck. must look forward to pay, must look forward to pay. x985038385393049302

because, we were so bored at home. i met the same gang for phuture on wednesday. i met soooo many familiar faces from sac, like people i have never met so long ago. including my best friends. i was kinda in shocked too. val couldnt make it cos of her sis's bd & gwen have driving. so our meeting failed. ;( dearest delene forgot her camera! so used my camera phone, not that clear but hey, at least we managed to keep some memories. haha. we drank quite alot though but frankly, thats the best part. 2 jugs of redbull vodka & 2 glasses of long island tea & some hand games = lots of screaming and fun ! ;)



yesterday was A level results day, so good time to crash SAJC cos everyone's in home clothes! the journey was like longer than SP. change train gazillion times, then still must work quite a long stretch before reaching. her school is really like on an island of their own, so isolated and hard to go, cross so many bridges! SP is still much biggggggerrrrr. but it feels very secondary school again cos everyone's like wearing a similar identity, carrying books and schoolbags! yeap. very refreshing moment. but the anticipation killed val ( and the jc ppl ! ) met familiar ex-sacians too. it was like O level results repeat itself, tears of sadness, joy and relief.

to the JC ppl, whether its well done or not so good, dont worry, singapore's education is so well-praised. there's definitely something that you can do, its only up to you to choose it or not. studying is not a dying trade. sit down, think through then make your decision. dont make any decisions rashly, it will be worst. discuss and ask for options, be open to opinions. and finallly, its not the end of the world love.


to the dense creatures out there;
when a girl calls and ask you out, it shows that she is interested and wants to go out, she might have been thinking of you the entire day anticipating to see you. and why cant guys just take it as a compliment and go with the flow. guys all the time complain girls dont make the first move, you cant read what the girl is thinking. truth is have you paid the attention to the little details she does? the mouth is not the only way information is being transmitted, its the actions, the midnight messages, the all-of-a-sudden calls? throwing their little tantrums etc.

read, those are the signals.


hmm, because i am so dead bored at home tdy (because of the RAIN). i shall blogg. zzzz
have been watching one hell loads of movies. marley and me just yesterday & it was such a realistic show. like growing up, miscarriages, puppy growing into a dog and dying eventually. it was a tragic story but oh so real. but then marley is really so cute. reminds me of my hamsters though like i watched it die, taking its last breathe, heart pumping pumping and slowly fading away. sighs. pets are such sad animals?

"labordoodle" hahaha. ;D

been watching too many boigraphy, lifestory kind of shows, slumdog millionaire, the curious case of benjamin button. but i will rank marley and me first. cos the brad pitt one was sooooo long and draggy like a bedtime story. slumdog was pretty interesting, realistic but i dunno if its true but it does show how satisfied people are with their lives and us given a toe, taking a feet. we ask so much so much, & take things for granted, like our parents.

ohh, i've been playing the spot the difference & i am so hooked. cant wait to hit the arcade and set some high scores & kill zombies! hoho(:





yay! exams ended on a rather unpleasant note ( i'm not so sure about the rest, but definitely for me) GOM paper sucked so badly, we werent even tested on semester 2 stuff. stupid R say focus on games, definition. definitions was a mere 15 marks, even mcq is 2marks each, what kind of nonsense paper right. then after an hour, almost all my classmates were staring blankly at the papers, or left the exam room early. it was disastrous. to add on that, we were given our project presentation grades, and it sucked. after that, we literally stoned all the way back. very very bad.

it was like, exams are over, you are supposed to celebrate but there was no party mood at all.
until..

the next day. we finally had our DJADE OUTING. bf had to go with her friends as well, so we met her at Rebel instead. we went partying cos why not, its ladies night, FREE ENTRY. (: so we could club-hop. so off we did, to zirca, rebel and arena. best music i should say would be at rebel. zirca was plain gross. stupid music. Arena was kinda sleazy, and more working adults. so Rebel was the best of all. except for the brushing hands, groping ass parts. haha! overall, it was great. after a big merry-go-round (bf & friends went for ice cream, we went to TCC), we eventually met up.



BF, pls bring your hp out ( CHARGED) next time. ;D